Review: Disney’s new Pinocchio remake is horrendous
They should’ve just left this one alone…
It’s fair to say that, even if I’m yet to watch them all (sorry, Mulan and Lady and the Tramp), Disney’s “live-action” remakes are all rather hit and miss. When they can add a little something to the story of the original tale (Cinderella, Dumbo and Pete’s Dragon, for example), they’re much more interesting and exciting than the carbon-copy rehashes (The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and more). Having said this, the majority of these endeavours have ranged from “decent and entertaining” to “adequate and unremarkable”. That all changes with Robert Zemeckis’ Pinocchio, the first of these films to be an outright disaster. This ghastly CGI mess is pure nightmare fuel, lacking entertainment value, substance or storytelling logic. Even with its straight-to-streaming release, Disney, Zemekis and Tom Hanks should be ashamed of this rubbish.
It could do with some reimagining
So, we’ve got a retelling of the Disney “animated classic” here and I’m sure you all remember the ins and outs of the story, right? Perhaps you haven’t rewatched it in a while? Well, you’re in for a treat. The beats here are all the same. You’ve got Hanks as Geppetto, wishing to bring his new puppet Pinocchio to life as a real boy. Benjamin Evan Ainsworth voices the creepy sentient marionette, while Joseph Gordon-Levitt is here as Jiminy Cricket, Pinocchio’s “conscience”. He’s meant to guide him to learn right and wrong so that he’ll come alive, as the Blue Fairy (Cynthia Erivo) promised. So far, so familiar, but I’m guessing you don’t remember all the hijinks in this plot. Whether it’s Stromboli’s puppet show, the “Pleasure Island” sideplot or the con-artist fox and cat, there’s a lot of weird stuff from the original that the film glosses over and would’ve been worth reinterpreting or recontextualising. Here, the treatment of it all comes with a lot of clunky jokes and self-awareness that breaks the conceit of the film.
This looks atrocious
While the whole thing is dripping with CGI, Pinocchio looks ghastly. The crucial effect of the titular living wooden doll itself feels like something straight out of the uncanny valley, and his unsettling dialogue and expressionless face don’t help matters much. There are very few human characters throughout this movie, so it pushes the limits of what can be called “live-action” by just having the ocassional actor appear within layers upon layers of effects. The design for Pinocchio himself isn’t the only failure, though, with the animators giving us unnerving depictions of Jiminy, the seagull Sofia, the goldfish Cleo and the aforementioned fox and cat. Even Geppetto’s pet kitten Figaro is a CG creation, something that feels totally unnecessary. It’s clear the animals are meant to have some humanlike mannerisms, but there’s the blend between them and the real world feels halfhearted. You’ll be left wishing upon a star that you could unsee much of what happens in this film.
A career worst performance from Tom Hanks
Hanks looks adrift in this sea of VFX. He’s one of the few people we ever see onscreen, and it really says something that you’ll either not miss him or dread his reappearances throughout the movie. His performance is the very definition of phoning it in, as he delivers his second questionable European accent of the year after his work in Elvis. Hanks barely attempts to convey realistic emotion or characterisation, opting for an over-the-top and exaggerated portrayal at every opportunity. It’s the kind of thing that’ll have you reaching for the remote to either switch the whole thing off or at least check how much more you have to endure (somehow, there’s enough extra here to make it a fair bit longer than the original). Beyond all the overacting, it doesn’t help that Hanks is working alongside computer-created characters, the addition of the lifeless and weightless digital figures just adds to the feeling that this is all inconsequential and empty throughout. You never get the feeling that Geppetto cares for Pinocchio. Although, given his bizarre horror movie appearance, why would he?
Verdict
Embarrassing nonsense from Disney — it should feel ashamed that it felt confident enough in the film to release it. Skip this one.
½☆☆☆☆
A puppet is brought to life by a fairy, who assigns him to lead a virtuous life in order to become a real boy. (IMDb)
Running time: 1 hour and 45 minutes
Director: Robert Zemeckis
Writers: Robert Zemeckis and Chris Weitz
Stars: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hanks, Benjamin Evan Ainsworth
Where to watch
This straight-to-streaming release is only on Disney+, after its release on Disney+ Day 2022.
Subscribe to my newsletter, and follow me on Twitter.
